Sad weather

Today I was overwhelmed by sadness. I had always known this day would come but as the pace of time eluded my countdown I eventually lost trace of my anticipation.

I have withheld so many tears, stemming from my lasting grief, anguish and self hatred. Piling up tear drops into an ocean inside of me, hoping that the water may cleanse my inner self of the sorrow, hate and pain.

But I have come to realise my misled facade, as I was not cleansing myself. But rather providing water to irrigate seedlings of more devastating emotions that have grown to dwell within me.

Emotions I taught withholding my tears would suppress, but have rather broken loose causing me to lose the remains of my guarded sanity.

And now I know I must let go. To allow my eyeballs to drizzle into rain, as tears of mine flow down gently into aggression along my once dimple laden cheeks- for in a long time I have not smiled.

Though I must admit that in so doing I am frightened to the core that I may lose control of myself. For what if I tear up and find myself standing in a self created flood, unable to heal from this episode of sadness.

That instead of letting go of the cascade that has led to my sadness, my happiness rather drowns in a teary flood because I have become tethered to sorrow, pain and anger.

Or maybe I should unburden my poor fragile eyes and transport my feelings of sadness into limbo, denying myself the ability to feel or understand sympathy.

But if I should allow myself to journey down that road, then I may never again know why there are different shades of happiness.

My life has embraced too much sadness, not by will but by circumstantial default. And in all my years spent on God’s given earth I have prayed and hoped, optimistic that oneday my tears may be labelled tears of joy.

However, they say every cloud has a silver lining. So maybe my sadness is just a dictionary on its own, that I may understand the true meaning of happiness in the latter chapters of my life.

That may be true, though now if there is any cloud I want it’s not one with silver but rather a number. Take me to cloud 9!!!

Let my heart echo this exclamation into the emptiness I feel inside of me. That the echoes may bombard and bring down the walls of pain, sorrow and hate guarding the void within my soul.

I thought experience is the best teacher. And yet I have experienced sadness beyond its limits and I consider myself not its teacher.

Because I keep failing to graduate my emotions to giggles, smiles and laughter. Indeed, I am no teacher.

So with this trinity of sorrow, pain and self hate, it’s a triple threat of which I am scared will destroy me sooner than later.

For it’s as if my feelings are Frenchmen seeing ‘pain’ as bread; food to feed on to satisfy the needs of my sad self.

With hate being an anagram of heat, using its heat to slowly burn away my tranquillity so that I have no peace.

And my daily grief as though everyday is a funeral. Because that’s how I feel, dead inside; being buried alive.

Maybe I am simply broken. And all of this is me bleeding from the cuts of my broken self. I cannot even pretend to be an eccedentesiast. I guess I am broken beyond the assumed comfort of that luxury.

But after being overwhelmed by sadness, I have decided. I have decided to allow myself to shed tears.

To quench the thirst that has for long remained in my eyes. For like a human life on their own, they need this water to survive.

I cried, and it felt good. Relatively.

52 thoughts on “Sad weather”

      1. Yes, you are only a writer of compassion, my friend. Believe this sixty year old when she tells you not one of us has been free of these dark nights of the soul.

        I say to you it is the very strongest who cry.

        Allow yourself to burn, and come up from the ashes, brother. Do not be afraid of your own beautiful depths.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m honoured by your compliment, Niharika. Glad you enjoyed the write-up.
      And yes, it’s been long. I was kinda occupied with school. Being a pharm d student is not so easy ๐Ÿ˜….
      I’m doing good though. Thanks for asking.
      Hope you’re doing good too?

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Sometimes the sadness we feel just fuels negativity in our lives so letting go can be pretty useful. Though at times some sad feelings are just the very memories that keep us focused because we try our very best not to end up in the situations that lead to whatever sadness.
      Changing one’s focus definitely helps because it gives you such fresh perspective to explore what makes you happy now. So definitely it helps!
      Thanks for reading and commenting, Sheila ๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Observing the pain and sadness. It makes you recognize that it exists and by facing it, you strip it of its power gradually. You then become more present and give your attention to things that matter, not paying all your attention to the past pain but focus on the next step.

      Liked by 4 people

  1. A beautifully profound piece about withholding the tears and then letting them fall; itโ€™s healthy to have a good cry especially for emotions that are buried or inaccessible to analyze at that moment. This describes the conflict perfectly of what someone can go through with bottled up emotions. Fabulous and heartbreaking work.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. I tried my best to lay out the conflict well so I’m pleased you found it perfect.
      I wrote this per experience and for me crying was healthy and helped give me a fresh and focused perspective of my future.
      Thanks for your sincere comments, Lucy๐Ÿ’š. Glad you enjoyed the read.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If we need to shed tears, then it is healthy to let them come. I am glad it was sinewhat beneficial for you.

    At times in my life I have experienced what I thought was unbridled sadness. I was unable to break out of the patterns which led me there. Turning to God for hope and direction helped me find a way. It’s a process of ongoing improvement where I fall, but I work each day to stay close to God. I find tears hard to shed, even when they are necessary, but I definitely feel better (mostly) after they are let loose into the world.

    Thank you for sharing. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Truly, it felt beneficial for me to shed some tears. Though for some people it doesn’t work as much. But like you I’m also a believer so I pray to God and read scriptures focusing on what I’m going through and how to move on from that. Overall I personally think if you have to cry (if it will help ), then you shouldn’t stop yourself.
      Thanks for your valuable thoughts, Hamish. Peace ๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 1 person

  3. True, pain helps us understand true happiness but too much of everything is dangerous including pain and needs to be checked, balanced.

    You should in time let go of it to be able to grow. Just like a cup can only be filled when it’s empty, you should empty the pain and replace it with joy.

    This is deep “feelings are Frenchmen seeing โ€˜painโ€™ as bread”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Exactly the point, Kinge. Letting go in order grow. Harbouring too much sadness without letting it out can become really toxic so it’s best we do our best to replace sadness with some joy in our lives.

      Very pleased you understood that line, “feelings are Frenchmen seeing ‘pain’ as bread”. Some people do not know ‘pain’ is French for bread.

      Thanks a lot for sharing your valuable thoughts๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Why thank you Miss Faith๐Ÿ˜Š.
      As I wrote it I spoke to my own soul so if it spoke to yours as well then truly I’ve achieved a great thing.
      Thanks for appreciating the piece and taking time to read ๐Ÿ’š

      Like

  4. You’re too kind Darell. I’m touched by this appreciation of my work. I’m always glad to share my poetic abilities on this platform๐Ÿ’š
    Bless you too for reading!

    Like

    1. My experience really brought out the words… perhaps that made it deep.
      I really appreciate your compliment… means a lot to me.
      Indeed, we all need God’s peace, to live happily each day.

      Thanks for stopping by friend! God’s peace be with you as well๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s