Today I was overwhelmed by sadness. I had always known this day would come but as the pace of time eluded my countdown I eventually lost trace of my anticipation.
I have withheld so many tears, stemming from my lasting grief, anguish and self hatred. Piling up tear drops into an ocean inside of me, hoping that the water may cleanse my inner self of the sorrow, hate and pain.
But I have come to realise my misled facade, as I was not cleansing myself. But rather providing water to irrigate seedlings of more devastating emotions that have grown to dwell within me.
Emotions I taught withholding my tears would suppress, but have rather broken loose causing me to lose the remains of my guarded sanity.
And now I know I must let go. To allow my eyeballs to drizzle into rain, as tears of mine flow down gently into aggression along my once dimple laden cheeks- for in a long time I have not smiled.
Though I must admit that in so doing I am frightened to the core that I may lose control of myself. For what if I tear up and find myself standing in a self created flood, unable to heal from this episode of sadness.
That instead of letting go of the cascade that has led to my sadness, my happiness rather drowns in a teary flood because I have become tethered to sorrow, pain and anger.
Or maybe I should unburden my poor fragile eyes and transport my feelings of sadness into limbo, denying myself the ability to feel or understand sympathy.
But if I should allow myself to journey down that road, then I may never again know why there are different shades of happiness.
My life has embraced too much sadness, not by will but by circumstantial default. And in all my years spent on God’s given earth I have prayed and hoped, optimistic that oneday my tears may be labelled tears of joy.
However, they say every cloud has a silver lining. So maybe my sadness is just a dictionary on its own, that I may understand the true meaning of happiness in the latter chapters of my life.
That may be true, though now if there is any cloud I want it’s not one with silver but rather a number. Take me to cloud 9!!!
Let my heart echo this exclamation into the emptiness I feel inside of me. That the echoes may bombard and bring down the walls of pain, sorrow and hate guarding the void within my soul.
I thought experience is the best teacher. And yet I have experienced sadness beyond its limits and I consider myself not its teacher.
Because I keep failing to graduate my emotions to giggles, smiles and laughter. Indeed, I am no teacher.
So with this trinity of sorrow, pain and self hate, it’s a triple threat of which I am scared will destroy me sooner than later.
For it’s as if my feelings are Frenchmen seeing ‘pain’ as bread; food to feed on to satisfy the needs of my sad self.
With hate being an anagram of heat, using its heat to slowly burn away my tranquillity so that I have no peace.
And my daily grief as though everyday is a funeral. Because that’s how I feel, dead inside; being buried alive.
Maybe I am simply broken. And all of this is me bleeding from the cuts of my broken self. I cannot even pretend to be an eccedentesiast. I guess I am broken beyond the assumed comfort of that luxury.
But after being overwhelmed by sadness, I have decided. I have decided to allow myself to shed tears.
To quench the thirst that has for long remained in my eyes. For like a human life on their own, they need this water to survive.
I cried, and it felt good. Relatively.